Let’s face it, we’ve all had to deal with this problem in our lives. To be friends or not to be friends with “the ex”. And by friends I don’t mean hook up buddies, or that one guy you call when your lonely and need some “comfort”. Like a real genuine friend, someone you can count on and that will advise you when you need it. From personal experience, I think it’s completely impossible. I have been in 2 serious relationships in the past, one of which was a complete wreck, and another which ended because we parted ways. With #2 , at on point we tried it.  We exchanged our stories about current relationships, advice, etc. But the awkward ” Do you still think of me” comes up, or the ” I miss you”. WHY!? Why does it have to be that way?? So we decided friends wasn’t the best way, especially because of the current relationship I am in. It is very hard to have your current boyfriend/girlfriend accept that your friends with your ex.  The whole key word of this entire discussion is “TIME TIME TIME TIME” , time heals ALL Wounds!

He are some tips and advice:

1) Were you ever friends to begin with? Sometimes our love was once our best friend. Whether it was a long friendship, or someone you just had a great friendship with , which soon became an intimate relationship. Can you save that friendship after relationship goes sour? On the other hand, maybe you were never even friends in the first place. You fell in love, you slept with the person, and you built your relationship on all of that. Sure, maybe it was lust, you imagined everything so quickly. And then it ends- BUT you still want to hold that person in your life. Can you be friends? I say no. I say no communication after the break-up. Give it a rest. Get back to being yourself, because once in your in a relationship for that long, you lose your self a bit. You developed the you with him/her. Now its time to be you without the him/her. How long? A couple months, maybe even a year. everyone is different. Trying to be friends quickly after the relationship will end up in tears and anger, especially if the relationship ended badly.

2) Other Motives: Are you really trying to keep a friendship because you actually want a friendship? Or are you trying to keep your ex around for other reasons ie: comfort, security, attachment, sex, or even because you have high hopes that you will get back together. Truth is, if it’s done, it’s done. Unless you two have agreed to take space and possibly work things out. A break up is a break up. Why do this to yourself? All you are doing is holding on to something that will end up hurting you in the long run. You are becoming desperate and don’t know what else to do. There is something in life we will experience over and over again: it’s “Getting over it” and “Lettings things go”. Hard, but it will have to happen. Move on!

3) Holding on to communication: You may still not actually hang out with person, but you still hold on to other ways of communication i.e. chat, Myspace, Facebook, texts, calls, exchange emails, reading their twitters, etc. Let it go, once again. This will only hurt you. Technology is very, VERY bad for breakups and relationships. You will begin to snoop, and it will ruin you. You need to cut all of these ties off. Delete him from every social media account you have, you do not want to see their screen name pop up in your iChat. Block them on Facebook (this is an AMAZING setting) because you no longer have to see their comments, tags, pictures, NOTHING. They are completely invisible on Facebook. Just let it go, delete them from your memory! You cannot be techno-ex buddies! Eventually, your ex will start talking to other people, you will start seeing photos with girls/guys, you will get curious, and you will end up  terribly. Just let it go, delete it all from your memory!

4) You ended the relationship on good terms: Here is where we can see the light with this subject matter. Most of the advice is towards a relationship that ended sour, was a planned  break-up, or just didn’t end in good terms. It ended with  ” I hate you”, and tears and anger. Chances are that you can never be friends, or it will take years to mend the pain both of the people went through. Now there is another light, you ended the relationship on good terms. Maybe you had to move for school, a job opportunity, leave the country , and you both agreed to break it up. I’ve never gone through this, so I can’t really imagine the pain of losing someone like that. The healing process is completely different. Now, can you still be friends? There shouldn’t be a reason why you couldn’t. It might take time to get over that person, and you will need the time to mend the pain. You don’t necessarily need to contact the ex every day, but maybe just keep in touch once in a while.

5) Do not talk about new relationships with your ex: If you do succeed and saving a friendship with your ex ( and it is a healthy friendship), resist from talking about your current new relationship. As much as it seems like you have reached a point of comfort with your new friend, bringing up the new person in your life will only lead to bad feelings, bad memories and jealousy. Until you have reached a completely healthy and stable friendship with your ex, these are things that should not be spoken about. You may want to ask “how is your new girlfriend/boyfreind” out of sheer curiosity, like any friend asking a friend. No no… Not a good idea. They may either answer you in honesty, and it may make you completely jealous. It may also make them get defensive because they are not ready to talk about it with you yet. Face it, you will always have a past with this person. No past is completely erased from our memories, keep that in mind. There will be a time in your friendship when you can talk about this, and you will know when. Until then, that subject should be off limits.

4) Box it up and toss it out! After being in a relationship for a long time you acquire a lot that will remind you of him (or her). It’s understandable that you want to keep the framed photo of you two next to your bed, but that’s just destructive to you. Who wants to go to sleep staring at a photo of their ex? If it’s hard to get rid of mementos and you don’t want to throw them away, at least keep them in a box. Materializing the relationship to a box can help you forget about your ex because it’s just that, a box stored away in the garage. Yes, do not keep it in your room where it’s staring at you from the back of your closet. Keep them in a box that you cannot open and use packaging tape. Seal it up so you can’t open it again. Give yourself a few months to LET GO of the relationship and you’ll realize the stuff in that box is meaningless and you can toss it. I’ve done this with two of my ex’s and now I have no idea where the stuff is. -Kymby

50 Do NOT wallow. Don’t let the break up get to you and ponder over the “what if I” thoughts. Get out and do your own thing, hang out with your friends. Get some hobbies or events going on in your life. You don’t want to be the ex who is still moping around while the other is out having a good time. Create your individuality again. Hang out with your own friends and go out for drinks! Fill the space that you saved for your ex for your friends and family - everyone that you replaced with him/her.  -Kymby

Please feel free to comment, leave your stories, add any tips and advice!!!